Lost the Spark

Dear Liza

I’m a gay man, in a long-term relationship, with another man and my partner and I have always had a healthy sex life. However, recently I’ve noticed that my desire for sex has decreased significantly, and I’m not sure why. This is starting to cause some tension between us, as my partner has been feeling rejected and doesn’t understand why things have changed. How can I address this issue and rekindle our physical connection?

Lost the Spark

Dear Lost the Spark,

This is a very common problem that many couples go through. The first step, is to figure out why your desire for sex has decreased so much. It could be a number of factors or a combination of factors. My best advice is for you to get into individual therapy, so together you and the therapist can explore what the reasons are. You can also seek out a couples therapists to help you and your partner process this challenge together. Couples therapy can often help both parties understand the other as well increase communication and sexual intimacy.

The therapist does not have to be, but probably should be a Certified Sex Therapist (CST). You can find Certified Sex Therapists through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists at www.aasect.org or on psychologytoday.com.

It is always a good idea to rule out any physical/biological causes, often doing so in conjunction with therapy. As such, I would recommend a visit to your PCP, as it may be something biological, such as a decrease in your testosterone, which with treatment, may help increase your sense of desire.
While you work toward meeting with professionals, I would also suggest discussing this more with your partner. If you are still attracted to him, he needs to hear that. You can also say that you truly do not know what is causing your lowered sex drive, but you are going to seek out professional help to figure it out.
Take Care,