Dear Liza,
I’m a 36 year old gay man. About two months ago, my best friend since childhood, was diagnosed with Breast cancer. My best friend (I will call her Jane), has an excellent prognosis. Apparently the cancer was detected early, and her oncologist is very optimistic. My question is, how can I best support Jane? Jane is married to a wonderful guy, and has a great support system. But, as her best friend, I really want to ensure that she can lean on me as well. My other issue is, being a man, I’m worried that Jane might not feel comfortable talking to me about an area of her body that is female. I’m also worried I might say the wrong thing(s) to her. How can I support Jane during this time?
Signed,
Best Friend
Dear Best Friend,
I am so sorry to hear that Jane is going through this. I absolutely understand wanting to support her, but being unsure of how. Honestly, the best way to be supportive is to simply listen to Jane. There are some things that Jane might not want to discuss with her husband. And would rather discuss with you.
Jane is most likely worried about the things most women worry about with a diagnosis of Breast cancer. Jane might be worried about losing her hair. Or, having to have a mastectomy. And although Jane’s prognosis is very good, anyone who hears a doctor say, “you have cancer”, is going to be thinking about their mortality.
When Jane brings any of these worries up, just listen to her fears without saying “oh don’t think that way”, or “you’re going to be fine”. While those statements are well intentioned, they can often come across as invalidating to Jane and her fears. Plus, Jane needs you to just be there with her, in the uncertainty and fear.
Your other concern about being a man is understandable. However, men do also get Breast cancer, although it’s obviously much more rare in men. Plus, you have known each other since childhood. You can also always ask Jane, “How can I be of help?, What do you need right now”.
Some other ideas are suggesting Jane attend a Support Group for women with Breast cancer. Most hospitals that treat cancer, have a corresponding free support group. You can also suggest that perhaps Jane might like to seek out therapy, which can obviously be extremely helpful during this time. There are therapists who specialize in oncology work.
The most important thing is that Jane knows she can lean on you, when she needs to.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.