Feeling Confused

Dear Liza, 

       I’m a 34 year old Non-Binary (or NB) person and I am currently in a quite new, six month relationship. This relationship is with a Cis gay man. So far, things between us have been absolutely wonderful. 

However, the other night I woke up and went to grab a snack. That’s when I walked into the living room and caught my boyfriend watching porn. 

I have nothing against porn. But, I am now very concerned. Why does my boyfriend need to watch porn, when we have each other? Our sex life has always been great. So now I’m wondering if he’s become bored with me, or with our sex life?

I didn’t tell my boyfriend that I caught him watching porn, because I didn’t want to start a fight. Now I’m just confused and worried. I just don’t understand why he needs porn now. 



Dear Confused,

This is actually a question that often arises for a Couple. Many partners feel hurt, confused, or angry that their partner still masturbates. The truth is, if you are a sexual person, you probably masturbates. Masturbation is healthy, and nothing to be ashamed of. 

There is also a type of phenomenon that happens to folks who are in a sexual relationship. You may notice that when you are having great sex with your partner, your sex drive tends to spike. This can be especially true in the 1st year or so of a relationship. 

Conversely, many folks who are not being sexual with anyone, find that after some time without sexual contact, their sex drives tend to kind of hibernate. 

Your boyfriend watching porn is most likely due to the wonderful sex life you have together, which is making his sex drive spike higher.  Also, consider that often  masturbation is a method of stress relief. He also may be addressing a need he is not ready nor may not want to have as part of your sex life.  This is perfectly healthy.

I would suggest talking with your boyfriend about this subject. You can talk about your concerns, and he can tell you why he watches porn. You may actually end up enjoying porn together. And remember that him masturbating, may actually a compliment to how great your sex life is together or may have nothing to do with it at all.