Dear Liza,
I think there’s something really wrong with me, when it comes to romantic and/or sexual relationships. I am a 18 yr old girl, and I’m in my first year of college. In HS, most of my friends were “boy crazy”. However, I didn’t feel any interest in boys. At the time, I just figured I was too focused on studying to get into a good college, to waste time with dating. Now that I’m in college, I’m very aware of the hookup culture and of my friends still being boy crazy. Yet, I still feel I have no desire to date, or be in a romantic relationship. I also feel absolutely no desire for any type of sex, or sexual relationship. One of my friends recently asked me if maybe I was a lesbian. But, I’m also not interested in girls. I feel like something must be wrong with me, if I’m not interested in these things. I just don’t know what my problem is.
Signed,
Something is wrong
Dear Something is wrong,
From what you’ve described in your letter, it’s very possible that you may be Asexual and Aromantic. Both Asexual (or ACE), and Aromantic (or ARO), are quite common, and are legitimate orientations. According to the Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN), in general, an asexual person does not feel or otherwise experience any sexual attraction. Basically, it is an inborn absence of sexual desire. However, some people who identify as Asexual experience limited sexual attraction or may engage in sexual activities to provide pleasure or show love to a partner.
Aromantic is Having little to no romantic feeling toward others. Experiencing little or no romantic desire or attraction. Being aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t experience other types of love or develop strong connections to others, It also doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t want to be in a relationship for everyone who identifies as Aromantic. If you Google either, you’ll find a lot of information about both. In fact, each even has its own Pride flag.
Obviously, only you can determine how you identify your orientations. I can tell you that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being ACE or ARO. As I mentioned both are much more common than you’d think.
However, if you are wanting to explore these orientation’s more, I do recommend seeking out a therapist who’s extremely knowledgeable about the LGBTQ+ community. Working with a therapist will help you to learn more about yourself. If you look on Psychology Today, you can even find therapists who themselves identify as ACE or ARO.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.