My best friend (‘A’, they) has made their partner (‘B’, he) into a bit of a project, and I’m struggling to decide whether I flag it to them — I can’t figure out if it’s healthy or not. I know this isn’t my relationship, but I care about my bestie a lot and if this isn’t healthy I want to give them an outside perspective to consider.
To steal language from kink, A is basically ‘life topping’ B. A spends a good amount of time providing help and solutions to problems and perceived problems that B has, which B probably wouldn’t have solved on his own. Examples include A suggesting that B find a solution to his acne problems, A helping B with financial strategies (not financially supporting, providing financial literacy), or A encouraging B to store reproductive material in a bank for later. A is helping B, especially in areas that make B a better long term partner for A.
I mentioned kink earlier intentionally because a key detail of this is that this dynamic is consensual. B is very happy to ‘life bottom’ and let A provide direction and tactics for him, and A is happy to ‘life top’ and support their partner. So…everything is fine, maybe? It’s an unusual but consensual dynamic so maybe I shouldn’t stick my nose in it. But, I also know A is trying to encourage B to be more self sufficient and ideate then execute the sort of things A is currently doing for them — something I don’t see happening. Plus, I think it’s causing them to form unhealthy attachment with one another, as they are very codependent, and their moods are strongly tied to whether they are together (more so than most partnerships).
So, what do you think? I want to note that they are both very happy and loving, it’s a very positive relationship in general. Am I a nosy friend overly concerned about nothing, sticking myself in my best friend’s business? Or is there something here I should be worried about and flag to them?
Signed,
A Concerned Bestie
Dear A Concerned Bestie,
I honestly do understand your concerns with your best friend’s relationship. It sounds to me, like A and B are both involved in a consensual, Power Exchange Relationship. Which, as you are probably aware of, is a Kink relationship where “life instructions” rather than sexual instructions are utilized. (Obviously, sex is often involved too, but does not necessarily need to be).
Since you have noted that the relationship is happy and loving, and is mostly quite positive, it sounds healthy to me. However, I definitely do not think you’re a nosy friend at all. This type of Power Exchange relationship can absolutely appear to be unhealthy, if one is not completely familiar with it. So, I actually think you’re a wonderful friend to have some concerns.
I am a bit concerned that the couple appear to be so codependent. And that their moods are so closely enmeshed. It might be helpful to occasionally check in with your bestie about how they are feeling about the relationship. That, should both give you piece of mind, and also alert you if the relationship begins to become unhealthy.
Take Care,
Liza