Dear Liza,
I’m a 42 year old, Cis gay man. About a month ago, I met someone. He is also in his early 40’s, and we have really been enjoying dating and getting to know each other better.
However, a couple of days ago, he told me that he’s not out yet. He is not out to any family or friends. This is also not his first relationship.
I guess my concern is, I worked very hard on myself through therapy, to be able to be out and proud. And it makes me sad, that he doesn’t have that freedom. All of my friends are telling me that his not being out at 40 something, is a huge red flag.
I really like this guy, but I also value and respect my friend’s opinion’s. I guess my question is, should I continue to date this guy, or stop dating him because he’s not out?
Signed,
What to do.
Dear What to Do,
This is obviously a very personal decision. I think your friends have valid concerns. Throughout my career as a therapist for the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve worked with many men over 40, who were still not out to anyone. Some of these men even had a fiancée, but were still not out. What I found was that folks who never come out, tend to suffer more from depression and anxiety, as pretending to be someone whom you’re not, has profound consequences.
I would encourage you to ask yourself a few questions:
If the guy you are dating has no plans to come out, what will a future with him look and feel like?
Would you be giving up aspects of a romantic relationship that you actually really want? Such as, no PDA’s, not ever meeting his family or friends, and obviously if you are marriage minded, that’s a problem too.
Why doesn’t he want to come out? There are obviously a number of reasons for this. However by 40 something, still not being out may suggest internalized homophobia.
As a therapist I also respect the work that you’ve done on yourself in therapy, that’s allowed you to be out and proud. If you continue to date this guy, you’re kind of putting yourself back in the closet in many ways. It is always hard for me to see clients put themselves back into the closet because I know it is often so hard to get out of it.
You can talk to him about coming out. And try to find out his reasons for not wanting to do so. You can also recommend therapy or a coming out support group to him. If he agrees to attend one or both, it may be worth continuing to date him, to see if he’ll eventually be ready to come out. If he refuses, that may be a sign that he’s fine with not ever coming out.
The final question you have to ask yourself, is: will I be okay if he never comes out?
Take Care,
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW