Dear Liza,
I’m a 24 year old mostly straight man. I say “mostly” straight, only because I have a kink about being tied up by women. But, I’ve found that there just aren’t a lot of women who are willing to tie me up. So, I looked to men, and found many men who were very willing. The problem is, I now have an absolutely wonderful girlfriend. However, she doesn’t understand or approve of my kink. She’s clear that she doesn’t want to tie me up. But, she also doesn’t want me to hook up with men to satisfy this kink. Last week, my girlfriend said “why can’t you stop having this kink!”
I really do not want to stop my kink, and I’m not even sure if that’s possible for folks to do? What can I tell my girlfriend, so that she will finally understand and accept all of me?
Signed,
Kinky and proud
Dear Kinky and proud,
I do understand that you want to save your relationship, without giving up your kink. I’m not entirely certain that that’s possible with this particular girlfriend. It definitely sounds like she does not understand kink at all. It also seems quite controlling to ask you to give up a kink of yours. It’s possible that more information and education surrounding kink might be helpful for your girlfriend and your relationship.
However, there is a strong possibility that you’re girlfriend will not budge on this issue. I believe it’s almost always a bad sign, when your partner asks or demands that you must change a fundamental part of yourself for them.
I would try giving your girlfriend some literature on kink. If she’s still set on you giving up your kink, it may be time for you to move on. There are plenty of women who not only don’t mind kinks, but even have kinks of their own. You might want to try the website FetLife, which is mostly for folks who are into kinks of all different types. You might just find a new girlfriend who loves tying you up.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.