Q – I am a 29 year old gay man, who’s five years sober.
I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself in recovery to accept and love myself. I met a guy in AA in May who at the time was nine months sober. His sobriety coincided with him coming out. He’s 27 years old and still unpacking a lot. He broke up with a girlfriend a few months before we met and I’m the first guy he’s ever dated. I was initially hesitant about getting involved with him, given these parameters, but I went for it anyway. The first two months were great. We had great chemistry and great sex, we went on dates, etc.
A month ago he hit me with, “I don’t want to be in a relationship as I’m exploring my sexuality.” My initial reaction was to step back and assume this was the end. However, nothing changed. He continued to initiate affection and even threw me a birthday party at his home with decorations he bought. A week later he hits me with, “I’ve lost the romantic spark but I still want to hang out, have sex, and go on dates.” I’m mainly just thrown by the lack of alignment between his words and actions. Should I just accept this relationship for whatever it is and date other people? The sex is great, but I feel very romantically involved-four months in-and I’m not sure it’s wise to get more involved.
Signed,
Mixed Messages
A – Dear Mixed Messages,
You mentioned that initially you had been hesitant about getting involved with this guy. I actually think that hesitancy was your “healthy” voice, which had serious concerns about dating this guy. I think those concerns were and are very valid. I also understand the guy’s perspective in having just come out, and wanting to explore and see what’s out there. The good news is, this guy is telling you his truth, that he does not want to be committed to anyone at this point in his life. It would be perfect if you both could just be friends with benefits. However, in those types of relationships, someone can sometimes “catch feelings”. I think what you have to ask yourself is, how will I feel when he starts dating and/or hooking up with other guys? Romantic feelings can’t be turned on and off like a faucet. So, I question if this is a healthy situation for you. You could continue seeing him casually as he wants, but then you’re not getting what you want from him. Unfortunately, you may need to stop seeing him, and take the time to grieve the loss of this relationship and this guy. This is obviously the hardest option, but once you’re ready, you can look for a guy who’s actually looking for the same thing you are.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.