Dear Liza,
I’m a 26 year old gay man. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’ve been with for almost a year. There’s just one problem in our relationship currently. My boyfriend is still very close friends with his ex boyfriend. I am struggling to understand why they continue to be friends, if their relationship didn’t work out? I’m also deeply concerned that they might hook up again, or that my boyfriend may still be in love with his ex, and may dump me for his ex.
Signed,
Deeply Concerned
Dear Deeply Concerned,
Generally speaking, it is quite common for members of the LGBTQ+ community to stay close friends with some or all of their ex’s. Part of this has to do with supporting each other in the LGBTQ+ community. The community often serves as an extended family; losing an ex can feel like losing a family member. As exes, they may still care for each other, just not in a sexual or romantic way anymore.
In Philadelphia there is an expression about this very thing. It’s called “having love” for someone as opposed to “being in love” with that person. I understand your concern. Unless there are signs your boyfriend giving his ex more attention than you or acting like he is no longer interested in you, I would not be overly concerned. I am hopeful you’ve discussed your concerns with your boyfriend. If you have not yet, you should do so. If you have and the conversations have not gone well, you may want to consider Couple’s Therapy, as it offers a safe space to better discuss and unpack this issue with your boyfriend.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.