Dear Liza,
I’m a 32 year old Lesbian. I came out at age 17, and I couldn’t be prouder to be a Lesbian. I’ve been with my partner for five years now. When we first began dating, my partner was assigned female at birth (AFAB), and also identified as a Lesbian. However, about two years ago, my partner realized he is Trans, and began his transition. I was, and am fully supportive of my partner’s transition. The problem I’m struggling with is the fact that now that my partner presents as a man, I’m realizing that my identity is also different now. My partner still identifies as Queer, but to folks who don’t know us, we now appear to be a straight Cis couple. I am very uncomfortable with folks perceiving me as Straight. What can I do, to feel more comfortable in this new situation?
Signed,
Identity Crisis
Dear Identity Crisis,
What you are describing is actually quite a common issue amongst partners of folks who identify as Trans. You mentioned that you are concerned about folks who don’t know you two, assuming you are a Straight couple. There are some things you can do, to dissuade folks from thinking that. Just one example, is wearing anything rainbow, or anything that says Lesbian.
You also mentioned that you’re partner still identifies as Queer, which is helpful to you, in that you know you are still in a Queer relationship. As you said, the only folks who might mistake you as Straight are folks who neither of you know.
You might want to examine more deeply, why that is so very bothersome to you. Folks assume all kinds of things based on appearances. Which obviously one should never assume.
I would absolutely recommend that you and your partner get into Couples therapy. I would also recommend that you also seek out individual therapy so that you have a safe space to discuss these fears.
Again, this is a rather common issue, and some agency’s or practices may have a support group for partners of folks who are transitioning. You are definitely not alone in your thinking. A support group, couples therapy, and individual therapy, can all be immensely helpful to you.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.