ADVICE COLUMN FOR JULY
Dear Liza,
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with another man for exactly one year. I’m 32, and this is my first “real” relationship. And my first time being in love. At first, things with my boyfriend were absolutely great. However, my boyfriend has a tendency to just completely shut down, and give me the cold shoulder for days! This usually happens when he’s under a lot of stress. I know he’s not purposely trying to hurt me, but he is aware that whenever he shuts down, I become completely destabilized. I never know if he’s actually angry at me, or at some other stressor. My friends have all met him, and upon meeting him they really liked him. However, one friend has actually witnessed my boyfriend’s cold shoulder routine. I have discussed it with other friends. Now, my friends feel he’s being emotionally and verbally abusive to me. In thinking about it, they are actually correct. I don’t think this is a healthy relationship for me, but, I’m terrified of ending up alone for the rest of my life. What if my boyfriend is the only man who’ll ever love me?
Signed,
Feeling Hopeless
Dear Feeling Hopeless,
You mentioned that your current boyfriend is both your first romantic relationship, and your first time being in love. Something that’s very true, is that for almost everyone, their first love will be the hardest to get over. This is because, you don’t yet have the experience or knowledge that you will get over your boyfriend. And also, that you don’t yet have the experience or knowledge to know that you will meet another man, and you will fall in love again. I am somewhat concerned about your statement that he might be “the only man who’ll ever love me”. To me, this indicates some self esteem/self worth issues. A great idea would be to try therapy, to work on improving self esteem and self worth. That may be necessary in order for you to find an actually healthy relationship, without all of this drama and feelings of hopelessness.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.