Dear Liza,
I am a 50 year old gay man. About five months ago, I met a really wonderful guy. We began dating, and we fell head over heels for each other. In the past 5 months, we didn’t directly address monogamy. However, we both said that as soon as we’d met, we both stopped seeing or hooking up with any other guys.
Then, one night at my place, we were just hanging out and relaxing, when he suddenly asked me where I saw myself in five years. What I really wanted to say was “hopefully married to you”. But, I stopped myself because it just seemed to soon to say that. So, I just said “hopefully still hanging out with you”. He then said to me, “well I’m planning on moving back to Miami in 6 months”. I was completely blindsided and extremely confused. He then went on to say that although he loves me, we should breakup now. He said it’d be much harder to do in 6 months. So, that night we broke up.
In less than a week, he was calling me and asking me to come over. So, for the past month, we’ve been broken up, but continuing to hang out, as well as have sex. We also continue to tell each other that we love each other.
My question is, many of my friends have been saying that if this guy isn’t ready to settle down with me, I’m just wasting time at age 50. Am I wasting time here? I love this man, and he says he loves me. I don’t want to let that go. But, on the other hand, being 50 is making me somewhat nervous. And I am devastated that he’s moving away. So, basically do I stay or do I go?
Signed,
Stay or Go
Dear Stay or Go,
I do definitely see your dilemma here. When we’re in love, we tend to never want to lose that love. However, you have to decide what’s most emotionally healthy for you?
Obviously you can absolutely continue to see and sleep with your ex. My concern, is that since you have officially broken up, how will you feel if he starts dating another man? Additionally, your friends actually do have a point. If your real goal is to have a serious monogamous relationship and eventually get married, you may want to let him go. Although it’s only about 6 months until he moves, that’s another six months that’ll go by without meeting a person you could see yourself marrying.
Since you are broken up, and no longer have a responsibility to be monogamous with him, perhaps you see him when you can. And you could also continue to date other men. Even if you spend time with him over the next six months and the relationship does not move forward, you will not have waisted that time, especially if you are also dating other people. What you will have done is gained some insight into what you want in a relationship. That way, you aren’t putting all of your eggs in a basket, that you already know can’t be what you really want it to be.
Take Care,
Liza
Liza Linder, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist with 30 years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ and PLWHIV communities. Liza is in person only, in our Philadelphia offices. For more information about Liza, please click on the therapist’s bios.